Conversations About Fatherhood: A Simple Life

There is a lot of noise in our lives. Especially in the life of a family. The pressure is there to have kids ‘do it all’ with maximized opportunities and minimized hardships.

Andy, a dad of 3 boys, joined me for a conversation about life as a dad. We touched on hopes, challenges, inspirations and successes. So much of what Andy spoke of is so relatable for other fathers. Sharing our stories matters. It is a key to unlocking encouragement and inspiration in our lives.

The theme that came up over and over during our chat was the pursuit of a simple life. He and his awesome wife Lisa had an opportunity to really savour the simplicity from their Central North Island home in New Zealand during their 5-week COVID-19 lockdown. Their days were filled with family time, home-schooling, working from home, baking sourdough, building new bike jumps and trails, and early morning runs out their back door. It also afforded them an opportunity to do some reflection away from the hustle of normal life.

So, what do dad’s really want from fatherhood? Andy spoke of slowing down, enjoying the journey, and sowing into relationships with his kids now so he can enjoy them his whole life. He desires front row seats to his kids doing the things they enjoy and are good at, and the satisfaction of good little successes along the way.

If I have learned anything from my own parenting journey, its that our desires for our family are often in conflict with our reality. Parenting is hard. Andy talks of the challenge to stay calm and not lose his temper with the kids. “I don’t want to look back with regret. Some days it feels like I have run out of tools to lead them well. They don’t follow like a team of co-workers and that is challenging for me. As the kids get older, there are times where I can show them that we can be good friends. I tell them if they don’t slam the door or talk back we can get on and do the good stuff without doing all this basic stuff anymore! Our kids remember how we handle issues and that can be a challenge as a parent when the day-in-day-out of raising them is kind of exhausting. We are doing our best to bring them up, and it’s my hope that they will remember all the quality experiences and time we have given them over any individual dispute or confrontational moment”.

Parenting seems best done in a community with other like-minded people to draw inspiration and encouragement from. Andy explains how in the midst of challenging parenting moments he reflects on how a parent he admires would handle the situation. He values role models who don’t paint a picture of ‘Instagram-perfect’ and the honesty has felt encouraging as he and Lisa have found their own way to teach and grow their kids. Spending time with other families inspires them AND their kids.

During my conversation with Andy, I gleaned 4 tips for living a simple life. Here they are in Andy’s own words!

1. LIVE WITHIN YOUR MEANS

Living cheaply has been a springboard that has allowed our family to put value into relationships and experiences, with minimal clutter or spending money on things that don’t align with our goals. I see the value in dollars earned and always living within our means. We have been able to have some amazing trips as a family from as simple as picking the kids up early from school and whisking them away on a surprize camping trip, to ski adventures and even a big trip to Canada last winter. A neat side benefit to following this path as a family has meant that the Covid-19 shutdown has been taken in stride. We are used to living with less and we are a strong family unit that can adapt to changes as funky as a worldwide lock-down.

2. DROP THE FIXED AGENDA

At the beginning of my fatherhood journey I was focused on becoming a mountain/climbing/ski guide. My driven and motivated personality ended up causing me a lot of anguish. My kids have seen me reaching for my own goals. That intensity has accumulated a little relational ‘debt’ and now I’m working to pay that off with a much more relaxed agenda. As a family we needed to learn to slow down and not always have a big exciting plan for the day. Learning to just ‘be’ or working on something independently is a great way to enjoy the passing of the day. We don’t push the outdoor pursuits or even conversations about the adventures. The activities and chats come up naturally without a fixation on trying to create those moments. Nowadays, we are more interested in slowing down and enjoying the journey. The beauty in this approach is an attentiveness to observing what lights up the kids and encouraging them to explore their own passions, whether that be playing the piano, creating personal works of art or videography.

3. CHOOSE SIMPLE, CLASSIC ACTIVITIES

If I could go back and do it all again, I would enhance the simple and let myself off the hook with stuff I felt like I should be doing. Instead I would focus on what brings joy. For me, complexity winds everyone up and brings stress, especially in a family environment. For us, the simpler the better. For a while there I was learning to kitesurf. I never got totally proficient because I didn’t have enough time and it didn’t end up fitting with what we do. I had to go off by myself because it’s windy and no-one wants to be on the beach when it’s like that. It’s not classic. I’m drawn to age-old methods of doing things. Climbing a peak is a great example. It’s simply reaching and standing on top of a mountain with just a pack on your back. Another classic activity for me is recording with a pencil and notebook; be it stories of life or documenting a workday up at the ski hill. Canoeing also hits the spot of a classic activity. There is a real simplicity about it that people have been doing for centuries. Yet another example is getting into a rhythm on a recent multi-day raft trip on the Clarence river with the kids – the flow was so simple and deeply satisfying.

4. NOTICE THE GOOD LITTLE SUCCESSES

Sometimes we get lost in the journey and we need to turn around and look at the hill we have just climbed. It’s about being open to capturing the good little successes. Recently for us this looks like a couple of our boys getting along when they usually don’t. Hearing them laughing together upstairs and work on projects together feels like a big win. Another example is spending time alongside my boys building mountain bike jumps. It was great to see their ideas come out and I ended up sitting back and observing their processes and triumphs as they pooled their ideas and skills.

The last thing we did before lock-down was sailing on Lake Taupo. We hadn’t sailed in 6 months and we felt pretty rusty. I was feeling relaxed and wasn’t pushing any timelines to get going like I usually do. Lisa tells me I have the ability to change the situation for the better or worse which comes with a lot of pressure. It feels like the success (or failure) of a family adventure all comes down to me. We calmly and casually rigged the boat, the kids helped, and before we knew it we were on the water without any relational drama. It went so great and we had an awesome day because of our small successes at the start. I’m a real believer in the simpler it is, the deeper the satisfaction.

Andy doesn’t want to be missing out on the good moments of fatherhood because life is too fast-paced. He wants to invest in things that bring joy for both him and his family.

Two questions worth asking ourselves are this: Do we enjoy the little things or are we more interested in the big shiny stuff? What impact will the answer to that question have on life with our families?

Let me close with a quote from Andy which I think perfectly sums up a pathway to living a more simple life.

“We don’t need to get bogged down in continual improvement. Every day doesn’t have to go perfect. Just be sure to take one step in the right direction, even if it’s just a micro-step. Without holding on to regret or getting stuck in the past, use today’s lessons to improve tomorrow”.

Andy H ~ Dad to 3 boys aged 13, 11 & 8 yrs old

A little note about the pictures…..We had the pleasure of hosting Andy and his family for a week last winter in our home. We had a blast showing them around Fernie and re-connecting with them after living in different countries for 7 years. We were neighbours and good friends when we lived in New Zealand. When I dreamed up this little fatherhood project Andy came to mind. He and Lisa are such wonderful and intentional parents and I was stoked when Andy agreed to a phone ‘interview’ on the topic of being a dad. We chatted for an hour and a half – a very inspirational conversation – and then I had the challenging task of turning all the gems he shared into a blog post!!

Thanks Andy for your wisdom and insight 🙂 We love you guys!!